


Militia

by The_Hawk_Eye



Series: Path to the end [1]
Category: Jojo Rabbit (2019)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blow Jobs, Drinking to Cope, Falling In Love, Homophobic Language, I'm Bad At Titles, Injury, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sex, Tags Are Hard, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:06:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22911448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: Since he was a child, Finkel knew there was something wrong with him. He was different from the other kids. His father knew it too because before he was eight, he wanted to make him a man in different ways.
Relationships: Freddy Finkel/Captain Klenzendorf
Series: Path to the end [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1650736
Comments: 24
Kudos: 122





	Militia

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to write something about them. The idea was to write something shorter and different but I lost control over my own story.
> 
> I don't know anything about the military and his functioning so I've tried to be ambiguous and general at every moment. However, there will be things that'll sound weird... really sorry about that.
> 
> English is not my first language, so sorry for the mistakes.

Since he was a child, Finkel knew there was something wrong with him. He was different from the other kids. His father knew it too because before he was eight, he wanted to make him a man in different ways, Finkel fought other kids, hit them as hard as possible under his father's eyes that never showed him respect. His mother knew it as well because she was always correcting his posture and gestures and her green eyes shined with worry and concern constantly. Finkel learnt to avoid looking at other children while walking next to her mother when he helped with her chores. And when he was at the school, he started all the fights just like his father told him to do. He learnt to be mad all the time, to sit straight, to not move his hands and to look always to the ground. Easy orders that he could follow. Finkel kept doing all those things during the years. And he added more things through the years.

Nowadays is more difficult to hide all the things he has to hide but he does it. Finkel goes after girls and flirts with them. He is kind of good looking which makes things easier. Finkel goes to the girls and jokes and laughs. He kisses them and goes home with a smug smile than doesn't win his father recognition but that gives certain peace to his mother. Later, some nights, he touches himself and thinks about masculine hands going through his hair and the skirts are replaced by buttons and pants of thick fabric. He dreams about men murmuring dirty things on his ears and rough hands touching his soft skin. In the morning, Finkel hides his shame and tries to act like he is a normal boy.

Finkel ends in the military because his father sends him there. He is worried about him because Finkel doesn’t act like a proper man still and his father can't stand his own son anymore. Thus, he sends his only son to the military so he can learn what it means to be a man, to move and speak like one. And that is how Finkel ends with a swastika in all his jackets and repeating everything he hears without thinking too much about it. He wants to be a man so he can see a proud smile in his father's face. He hates every moment that he spends in there but he learns to follow orders (sometimes too literally which drives all his superiors mad but it feels better than his father disgust or shame shinning in his eyes).

The military is not perfect but he learns everything he needs to survive even if he is not s real man. It is ironic, Finkel thinks the first time he kisses a man. His father sent him here to be a man, and in the military is the place where he has found the chance to kiss a man for the first time. He loves it. He has kissed girls before, a lot of them, but this is different. Finkel doesn't have to think about what to do with his hands, where to guide them because they just move. That night, in a dark alley, he receives his first blowjob. He regrets it in the morning. Finkel knows what happen to people like him and it is worse on the service. However, he ends in the same alley two days later being fucked hard against the wall. He talks about girls and laughs while he lies over and over. He talks about boobs and how exciting is to lift the skirt of innocent girls. He talks about how it feels to touch the nylon before he can go all the way up and his fingers grab the skin of the girl’s thigh. He fucks guys in that alley too and feels the electricity of hard orgasms go over all his body. He feels alive in that dark alley. Until he has to move to another place.

In the new town, he finds a place after one week. He walks around the zone looking for a man when he sees his mates hitting a person in the street. He freezes when he hears the words "faggot" and "abomination". He runs away from there before they can see him. He can't keep doing this. That person could have been him. That thought terrifies him, thus that night he finds a fine girl and kisses her hard trying to ignore the twisted feeling in his stomach. Finkel knows how to survive in a place like this.

When they move again, Finkel doesn't try to find a place for people like him. He chases skirts as real men do and when he is alone, he touches himself thinking about sweaty men with uniforms. He tries to be like the rest during the day, he tries to be the man his father wants him to be, but at nights... his fantasies... Finkel doesn’t waste time or energy trying to deny what he is. He doesn't control his fantasies at night and remembrance every touch a man has given him in dark alleys and that is the only moment he can find some solace.

Finkel is vicious when he fights others. He is cruel and does everything his father taught him when he was a child. He punches a man one day just because someone told him he has a faggot. He hates himself after that but he has the respects of others. He insults Jews and laughs at them. The more vicious he is in his actions; the more other people respect him. Finkel hates himself but he is alive and that is the only thing that matters.

His mother tells him in a letter that his father is dead and it feels like a liberation. His mother makes it sounds like that. She asks if he can come back home but he can't. He is a soldier and a man now and Germany needs him; he tells her even though it is a lie. He is not a man. He is a pussy who wants to touch other men desperately. After his father’s death, something changes; Finkel is mad all the time and he notices the way he treats others. He is aggressive which makes him feel worse but he can't do anything; however, at night, he starts looking for men again. Finkel mourns his lost in the only way he knows and disrespects his memory and everything he learnt from him because the only thing that helps to feel a little bit better, is to have sex with the wrong people.

Finkel hates his job at the military. It is nasty and it makes him sick. However, never complains. He goes to Jews' houses and takes them to the camps. It could be worse and he knows it. He doesn't have to go inside those places, he just patrols the streets to see if there is something weird or someone is misbehaving and teach them a lesson that sometimes ends with dead people in front of him. This is his job. When he entered the military, he thought this would be different. Finkel thought he would learn how to be a man, he thought he would be content finding girls. He thought he would go to battle or some earthquake... but not this. This is disgusting and he is still a faggot.

One day, he is sent to a concentration camp to help moving corpses, there has been a problem (nobody explains what has happened) and they need more soldiers. Finkel moves dead bodies to a trunk trying to ignore the blank eyes on his face and the stink. Jews live with this smell and Finkel has to stop thinking after that. This is...

Suddenly, he sees a pink triangle in one of the male corpses. It is not very big, but it is there. Finkel is not a bright person. He doesn't understand all the orders he receives and has several problems from time to time to see the flagrant and obvious lies in the pamphlets and propaganda. He is not very smart but he just needs one second to know what the small triangle means. After that, Finkel pays more attention to the dead bodies; and relatively close to that man, there is another one with the same symbol.

They were homosexuals.

They weren't killed because of that, but it is probably that they had an even harder time having to hide what they were to the others. Finkel wants and has to believe that they found some solace together in the camp. Finkel doesn't sleep that night, nor the night after that...

The day he returns to the city he can breathe again. The burnt smell of buildings fills his lungs but after spending days surrounded by stinky corpses, this is like the sweetest perfume. Finkel started drinking after his first killing a long time ago but now it is not enough to forget what he saw in that camp. He drinks too much with the others and sneaks out to find random guys to fuck him hard. Finkel has always been very careful when he wandered in certain streets but now he is being reckless.

One night he is almost caught in a dark alley by the same guys who killed that homosexual in the other city. But Finkel is saved by a military man who covers his mouth and hides them inside an empty house. Finkel looks at the man, the light is on his face. He is not exactly handsome but there is something in his ice-blue eyes that drives Finkel crazy. He blinks drunkenly and tries to touch his face but the man moves away from his hand.

"The camps." It is all he says with a cynical smile. Finkel nods weakly. This is bad, he realizes. He doesn't look like the other guys he has fucked before. He doesn't look like a proper Nazi who enjoys torturing Jews and claiming all the thing he will do to them. "I know what you need." The man grabs his crotch hard. It hurts but Finkel likes it. The man puts his arm covering his mouth to silence his moans. His hand goes inside his underpants and takes his dick to start masturbating him. They can hear the others still shouting and laughing, looking for a victim to terrorize.

Finkel comes hard on his underpants after some minutes of strangled moans. They have been looking at each other all the time. Finkel doesn't know why but he feels alive and better.

"You've seen nothing." He mumbles against his ear. "Try not to lose your mind yet." He frees Finkel after that. "And throw those away." He adds pointing at his underwear

Finkel nods breathlessly and gulps. Maybe this was what he needed to react. The man is about to leave when Finkel stops him. It is not enough. He needs more of this. The man understands and gives him a bitter smile. Two seconds later his boots are in the ground next to his pants and his legs are around his waist, and the man is going inside him. Hi back hits the wall with the first hard thrust. Finkel bites his coat to choke his moans. When they finish, they don't talk anymore. There is no need for that, it is better not to know anything about the other, not even the name. The anonymous man is about to leave when he takes something from the ground. A small pink triangle.

"Shit." He mutters. Finkel is ready to be yelled at. Taking the pink piece of fabric was stupid and dangerous. However, the man just gives him the triangle.

"This is no place for you." He says. There is no place for them. Finkel bits his lips quietly. "If you're smart, you will throw this and forget about it." Finkel doesn't throw the fabric but hides it better in his kitbag. He can't forget.

A week later, he has to leave the place since they want more men in an Earthquake. A small squad of soldiers have to take their things to go to another place where they will be more useful. Finkel never looks back, not even once. He closes his eyes and dreams about the future. Maybe he won't have to see more corpses. They move to a different campsite to be under the orders of a new captain. When Finkel sees Captain Klenzendorf for the first time, he can't stop looking at him. He is what every real man should be. He is mesmerized by the way he moves, drinks and smokes. He acts like he doesn't give a shit about anything at all. Finkel memorizes his movements but doesn't dare to imitate him since he knows he will fail miserably. Klenzendorf is too much for him and the day he sees him shooting he knows he will never meet a man like him. He wears his flask always full and takes short sips from time to time while walks around the soldiers. He mocks young men and doesn't waste time in big talks. He is not there to inspire anyone. And Finkel respects him because of that.

Soon enough he goes to war under Captain Klenzendorf's orders who looks more and more like a man who is too tired to live or even die. The man is a mess but Finkel likes him. Following his orders is refreshing and easy, and Finkel doesn't need to spend hours hating Jews which gives him time to think about other stuff. Under his orders, Finkel relaxes. They do a lot of useless physical exercises that are not mandatory, therefore, Finkel doesn't do them. A huge mistake because now he has time to enjoy himself. Finkel wastes a lot of time with the other soldiers during lunch. And starts enjoying long showers surrounded by male bodies and he forgets that he shouldn't stare at them for more than a second. 

Finkel starts talking with others without being worried about all his moves. His father is not here to get mad at him and his mother can’t remind him why is so important to maintain a neutral and tense posture. He doesn’t realize at the beginning but sometimes he crosses his legs when he is talking and giggles too much around the loud and masculine laughs of the other soldiers. Finkel looks to his mates’ sweaty bodies and pays too much attention to what their Captain does with a bright and fascinated smile. Life is good until he realizes there is something wrong with him again. He is giggling with his legs crossed when he notices their looks all over him. And that is the moment he remembers everything.

And Finkel remembers why his father made him join the military and why his mother was so worried and said goodbye with teary eyes. Finkel has too much free time to enjoy his life here and the bodies of the other men around him. His old mannerism is back and Finkel finds himself one day sitting with his legs crossed and his equals looking at him like he is a freak and an idiot.

Finkel remembers why his father hated him so much while growing up and why his mother cried from time to time when she was giving him a kiss on his temple. He remembers and understands better why they were so obsessed with him becoming a real man. There is something wrong with him and people can notice it if he is not careful.

Finkel panics and starts doing what he learnt in the past that helped to feel like a real man and that gave him the approval of both his parents. He sits straight and learns every word from the propaganda. He makes all the useless exercises and repeats them till he can't move or even think. He takes short showers in the morning and, after breakfast, he runs till his body hurts. It helps. And people around respect him again. Finkel avoids talking to others if it is not to claim how perfect Germany is and how it is their duty to save it from Jews, Brits, Russians and whoever threats their great nation. Finkel feels sick but keeps doing the same day after day because not doing it would expose him in front of the others.

One day, Captain Klenzendorf calls him. When Finkel enters, he shouts a clear and loud Hail Hitler and it is returned by a weak and tired Hail Hitler from his captain. Klenzendorf takes a sip of his whiskey and Finkel is breathless for a second. He is in front of a real man who drinks alcohol like water and gives a shit about life. Finkel wants to be like him; to act like nothing cares but he is terrified of his real self because he knows there is something wrong with him.

"You're a loyal young man, right?" The Captain asks with a smile.

"Yes, sir." He shouts.

"There's no need to talk with such energy in an office, we're alone." Finkel apologizes but Klenzendorf ignores him. He is thinking about something else. "I've been watching you." Finkel trembles, he hopes Klenzendorf has something positive to say about him. "You're one of the young soldiers who keeps doing all the exercises day after day." Klenzendorf makes a long pause and Finkel knows he should say something but he is not sure about what he is expecting from him, so he decides to remains in silence and waits. "I need an assistant, a real soldier who can follow orders and be by my side at every moment, helping me with... stuff."

"It would be an honour, sir." Finkel tries not to smile too much. To be Klenzendorf's assistant would be his salvation and next to a man like him, Finkel would learn how to be a real man like his father always wanted. And he could write to his mother the good news that would make her happy.

"Take a shower and come back here. Your duties as my assistant start right now."

Finkel nods and leaves immediately to do as he has been told. He is so excited that doesn't have time to think why a captain would choose someone like him as his assistant. Finkel hasn't done anything to earn a position like that. He has been told several times that he would be a terrible assistant since he is incapable of understanding simple and logical orders if they are not perfectly clear. However, Finkel doesn't think about any of that because he is too happy to be under Klenzendorf's directs orders. His mother will be so proud of him when she hears the good news.

For some reason, Finkel feels safe in Klenzendorf's office. Finkel feels better in that office without interacting with his pals. He has to play a role with Klenzendorf but it is not the same. He sits straight but his back doesn't hurt constantly and he doesn't need to be reproducing the propaganda all the time he starts a conversation with Klenzendorf. Finkel after a week starts giggling when he hears or see something funny. He never crosses his legs though, because that is too much and too weird for a man to do it. Not everything is perfect, when Finkel makes a stupid mistake, Klenzendorf loses his temper and shouts at him for not choosing the logical and obvious answer. But Finkel can't do it better. He doesn't understand why something is more logical than something else, so every time he messes up Klenzendorf shouts at him and calls him useless and asks over and over how is possible than a person can make a mistake like that. Finkel is used to receiving this kind of shit, thus he takes every word in resigned silence feeling stupid. However, no matter the mistake, Klenzendorf apologizes for shouting and excuses him. Finkel knows he is not a bright person and usually leaves the room for some minutes to go to the bathroom and compose himself. Finkel is happy being under Klenzendorf’s order.

He is not very bright but he knows what is happening. Finkel knows what is happening the second day with him. Finkel adores the man, he likes everything about him, even the things that infuriate him. Klenzendorf always has him by his side which allows Finkel to relax. The Captain has his own way of doing things and Finkel finds really brave the way he never cares about anything and does whatever the fuck he wants. According to his father, real men never gave a shit about useless stuff and Klenzendorf never gives a shit about anything. Furthermore, the man is a genius with fire weapons. He never misses a shot. Finkel watches him with adoration every time, Klenzendorf grabs a gun and shoots. He is the best shooter in the world; no matter the weapon, the distance or the posture Klenzendorf makes.

"I could teach you." Klenzendorf says one day after exhibiting his skills in front of the others.

"Sir?"

"You will never be as good as I am because I'm the best, but you could improve your poor technique." He is not mocking him, but Finkel feels ashamed. He is not very good at shooting. Suddenly, Klenzendorf pats his shoulder with a smile. "Don't take my words the wrong way." Finkel doesn't know what that means. He is not good at understanding what people mean when they say confusing things like that. He needs to be clearer but Finkel doesn't dare to ask, he doesn't want to be seen as the idiot he is. "Come with me." As always, Klenzendorf sounds light and tired at the same time. Finkel could say no and it wouldn’t be weird. But he doesn’t say anything. Finkel doesn’t want to say anything and prefers to wait and see what this can mean.

Finkel notices the change in the air. Klenzendorf's movements are tense and the pace between his words is different when he talks in the corridor. Finkel wants to leave now but he is too thirsty. He follows his captain to the shooting range that is empty just like he said. They are alone and the sun is going down. Finkel gulps nervously. There is something happening right now. There is an intimacy growing at every second that passes. Finkel could leave now, he could say he would rather be with the other soldiers than practising his shooting skills and it wouldn't sound weird, but he is too thirsty.

He licks his lips with anticipation.

He could be reading the situation wrongly, but he has been in this type of situation before with older men. He knows how the anticipation tastes and the way men tend to act before jumping to the abyss. He has been here before. He waits without moving. Klenzendorf shoots and he looks relaxed and so powerful. As always, Finkel can't take his eyes from him. He has been dreaming about this. Finkel has dreams with Captain Klenzendorf over him, fucking him harder with his uniform still on. Finkel has imagined the way his sweat taste mix with his cum on his mouth.

Finkel could be reading wrong the situation but the moment Klenzendorf puts his gun on his hand and his fingers linger on his skin, he knows he is completely right about what is happening. His green eyes are glued to Klenzendorf's hazelnut eyes.

That is waiting for something. Finkel licks his lips too slowly, he is so thirsty right now. He grabs the gun and points at the barrel that are using to practice. He tenses all his body and when he is ready to shot, Klenzendorf straightens his arm. Finkel knows this game and he loves it. He gazes at his captain and then focuses on the barrel. Klenzendorf gives him some short but really useful advice about his posture and his hand travel from one shoulder to the other. His body is boiling right now like never before. He fires and the shot is pretty good. They keep practising for a while, playing a desperate game to avoid suspicious from others.

"I think it's enough for one day." Klenzendorf sounds breathless and needy. "Let's eat something."

"Yes, sir." For the first time in his life, Finkel doesn't need further explanation to know what he has to do. He grabs two plates and goes to his captain's office. Finkel expects him to assault him the moment he closes the door but Klenzendorf doesn't move. He is doubting. Finkel walks towards him and stops in front of him. He wants to kiss him immediately but he restrains himself.

"Is the door closed...?" His breath hits his mouth. He smells of smoke and alcohol, it is intoxicating and Finkel is so thirsty.

"Yes, sir." His chest goes up and down. He can't wait anymore. He is... Finkel cups his face and kisses him. The thirst fades with every second Finkel is kissing him. He swallows his gasp and his tongue travels around his lips before he dares to try anything else. Finkel is ready to break the contact when he feels Klenzendorf's hands grabbing his jacket to push him against the table. It hurts the moment hi back hits the edge. Finkel moans but doesn't complain or tries to stop this. Klenzendorf moves with passion but not in a hurry, which drives Finkel crazy. He wants more. He needs more. And he can't wait.

His hands abandon his face to start to unbutton his jacket to throw it to the ground. Finkel only knows quick and desperate sex, and it shows. Every time, he has fucked a random guy has been in an alley, terrifying of being caught and he can't see the difference in here. Finkel takes off his own jacket as well. He is going to grab his belt when Klenzendorf's mouth leaves his and starts kissing his neck. Finkel rests one of his hands on the table while the other goes through Klenzendorf's hair. He moans with surprise when he feels the captains fingers under his t-shirt touching his chest. Finkel arches his back to expose himself more. He breathes irregularly and opens his legs to let space for his captain when he pushes against his body. Finkel searches Klenzendorf's mouth to kiss him again, he deepens the contact and his tongue ends inside his mouth playing with Klenzendorf's. He tastes like alcohol and Finkel loves it. He swallows his saliva when he ends the kiss. He wants more.

Finkel moves fast and grabs the green shirt of Klenzendorf to push him again, this time against the table. He takes off his braces and unbuttons his pants to take them down. Finkel kneels and puts his hands against his thighs. The only sound in the room is their irregular and heavy breaths. Finkel can see the bulge in his underpants. He looks up to find Klenzendorf's eyes glued to him. It is the first time Finkel can see the face so clearly the face of the person he is being with. It feels scary and terrifying, but Finkel doesn't give time to himself to dwell on those thoughts. They are safe for now. Tomorrow Finkel will panic but not now. Klenzendorf strokes his messy hair and he nods.

Finkel frees his dick and takes a deep breath before he engulfs it completely. Klenzendorf groans with pleasure. Finkel closes his lips carefully around his cock and starts moving up and down with a slow and steady pace. This is exhilarating. He has done this dozen of times before this one but for the first time in his life, he knows the man he is with. This is the first time Finkel can see and remember the face of the man he is with. And this man has a name. This is the first time Finkel loves the man he is with.

All his life he has been missing this. This is the thing he has been craving since the first time he had the chance to be with a man. Finkel loves Klenzendorf and would do anything for the man. Finkel knows the feeling probably is not reciprocated but who cares. He doesn't need to be loved to feel complete at this moment. This is much more than he ever expected from life.

He increases the rhythm of his movements and makes slightly more pressure with his lips. He knows what that makes to men. When Klenzendorf's legs tremble, he stops and starts playing with his tongue in the head of his dick.

He plays with it, enjoys the fast moans coming through his lips. And Finkel takes it all again when he senses his body tense and put of control. Klenzendorf says something but Finkel can't hear him. Klenzendorf cums and Finkel swallows his semen and licks his lips when he finishes. He sits in the ground and looks up. His chest is moving fast and his eyes are closed. Finkel gasps under that perfect vision of the man. He is trying to say something, but he can't. Finkel gives him time. He stands up and goes to the small mirror in the office to see if there is a stain of semen, there isn't. Finkel fixes his hair and puts his clothes properly. It is late and they don't want to look suspicious.

"Are you leaving?" Klenzendorf asks when Finkel takes his jacket.

"It's... late." It wasn't the correct answer to that question.

"You haven't eaten your dinner yet." It is true, the food is still there. "Not eating would look worse." Finkel nods, he is right.

It feels weird. Finkel always leaves after doing something like this. He is used to running away from the place and the person. For him, the less he knows about a person the better. However, this is different. Finkel knows the man. Finkel loves the man. So Finkel sits and they eat together. There is a tense familiarity in the air. If Finkel gets used to this, the tension could disappear and then only the familiarity a d intimacy would last. He smiles slightly. However, when they finish something changes. Finkel sees a realization in Klenzendorf's eyes and he doesn't like it. He is having doubts. Finkel has to do something quickly, but he doesn't know what. He has never been in a position like this one. Klenzendorf makes a dismissive gesture with his hand, he is telling him to take the dishes away. Finkel is taking them and his hand trembles, he doesn't want to lose this. He has to act. He stares a Klenzendorf and does the only thing he...

"I've enjoyed the shooting session." Finkel doesn't move a millimetre after saying that. His green eyes must look decisive because Klenzendorf doesn't even try to ignore his words. "I want you to keep teaching me."

"Are you sure?" He asks after a thick silence. "It's dangerous."

"I don't mind."

"But you should." Finkel understands what he is saying exactly, they can be killed for this.

"I'll be careful." Finkel promises, he won’t do anything stupid. He can tell him how many men he has been with during his time in the military. "I know how dangerous firearms are, but I want to improve my skills and you're the best." There is nothing else he can really say.

“I’ll think about it.” That is good enough for Finkel who takes the dishes and leaves the place. He doesn’t look back, he doesn’t dare. Captain Klenzendorf wants professionalism and Finkel is going to give him that.

That night, under the sheets, Finkel grabs his crotch with his right hand. He doesn’t masturbate, he can’t do it there. He closes his hands through the clothes hard and makes pressure. He thinks about Klendendorf doing it. He fantasizes with the captain being over him while fucking him against the door. Finkel has to control his body so nobody can guess what he is doing. This is the first time his dreams have a face. This is the first time Finkel can call a name during his fantasies. The first time…

Next day, Finkel acts like everything is normal between them. He tries to follow orders as good as he can in silence. Nothing happens that day, but he is not worried yet. It is three days later when the captain invites him to shoot and Finkel says yes. Later that day, Finkel has lost his boots and pants and his back is against the table. Klenzendorf fucks him and Finkel loves the sensation of being with him. He has to wait a week after that to taste him again. In another occasion, klenzendorf ends on his hands and knees and Finkel is fucking him on the ground. They create rituals that Finkel follows with his heart pounding hard against his chest. Finkel has bruises sometimes but he knows what to say to the rest, or he just has “accidents” in front of the other. Finkel knows this has an expiration date but doesn’t care; he thinks about the future with Klenzendorf and he loves what he sees. His dreams are not perfect because he is not delusional, but they are as near as perfect they can be. Some nights he looks at the pink fabric and doesn’t feel as alone as he really is. There are more people like him who just want to love freely, who just wants to live. And that thought terrifies him with the same intensity that comforts him.

“What would you be doing if you didn’t have to enlist?” Klenzendorf asks one day.

“I guess… I’d enlist.”

“Why?” He sounds genuinely surprised.

“I enlisted because of my father, to make him proud, so…” He shrugs. He did it for his father and he knows he would do it again for him, no matter how much he hated him. Klenzendorf looks kind of disappointed at him for that answer.

“People die here.” Finkel knows that but people die all the time and people like them are more likely to die beat to death so who cares. Klenzendorf passes him his flask and Finkel takes a short sip. “People are going to die here.” He adds when Finkel gives him back his flask. Something has happened but Finkel doesn’t know what, he just knows he has drunk from his flask like it is not a big deal.

Almost two weeks later, Finkel is surrounded by fire and death. They are attacked and nobody was ready for that. In the middle of the chaos, Finkel watches people die next to him, the air is heavy with the smell of meat burnt. He remembers the camp, the way it stank and how heavy were all those dead bodies. He remembers the pink triangle and, for a moment, he wishes to wear it with him. Finkel sees captain Klenzendorf in the distance, his face is covered by blood but he recognizes him nonetheless. There are explosions and screams, people are running and shouting and shooting… There is only chaos. A grenade explodes next to his captain and Finkel knows what he has to do. He feels pain in his back and feels the warm blood slips through his cheeks. His legs are heavy and he feels a stabbing pain on his side, but he doesn’t stop. There is work to do.

He has to save Captain Klenzendorf.

The moment he takes his captain, everything goes black and Finkel thinks how beautiful would be to die like this. But his body keeps moving and Finkel doesn’t give up.

When Finkel opens his eyes, the first thing he sees his Klenzendorf’s face who is talking with a nurse. Everything hurts and his mouth is dry. He tries to talk but he only makes a guttural sound. He is starving. He has to close his eyes and the next time he opens them, there is no nurse and it is night, but Klenzendorf is still there. Everything hurts and Finkel feels dizzy. This is not the first time he is hurt in the military, but this is the worst wound he has received. He tries to move, but the pain is unbearable so he desists. He closes again his eyes and the next time he opens them; it is night but Klenzendorf is awake. When their eyes meet, Klenzendorf gives him a kiss on his temple.

One of his eyes is covered with a big gauze and his arm is bandaged.

He is smiling but Finkel can see he is in pain. There must be more injuries under his clothes. "What happened?" Finkel doesn't care about the attack, the bombs of the won or not, he wants to know about them.

"Apparently, we were attacked in a very ob..."

"Not that." He cuts him. He wants to know how they ended here.

"During the attack, I've lost one of my perfect eyes because a wall fell over me and..." He was going to give him the details but in the middle of the sentence, he regrets it. "And then a grenade fell next to me which is going to leave my body scarred forever with awful scars." He says like it is not a big deal, in the same way, someone would tell a joke. "You saved me." Finkel doesn't remember that part. He ran to where Klenzendorf was and took him to try to find a safe place for him but he doesn't... "You hit your head pretty badly," Klenzendorf says after some seconds of silence. "You were carrying me and suddenly... BOOM!" The shout startles Finkel. "Stones fell from the sky and one of them hit you in the head." Finkel bites his lips, he feels stupid, that means Captain Klenzendorf had to save him in the end. "You saved me." He puts a hand on one of his shoulders and it hurts. "Sorry, wrong arm." He apologizes. "If I'm alive is because of you Finkel. You carried me for a long-distance and just, in the end, you passed out for a really good cause." The words make him feel actually better. "You shouldn't have done that."

"What?" He gasps. What is the man saying? What is he implying? He couldn't let him die.

"I'm just an old and tired captain. You shouldn't have risked your own life... why would you do... that?"

"Because you're my captain." The words come out of his lips and it feels like a liberation. He hasn't said anything but Klenzendorf understands what the words really mean, the truth he can't say in a place like this.

"That's cost you..."

"I'm tired." Finkel cuts him, he doesn't want to know about his injuries yet. His body hurt too much and he is scared of what he can tell him.

"Of course."

In the morning a nurse asks him how he is doing and where it hurts. When she is going to tell him all his injuries, Klenzendorf appears and dismisses her. He is going to be the one listing wounds. It is bad, but Finkel breathes relieved, he will walk with no problem and no visible scars.

"You can't go to the front again," Klenzendorf informs him. "Because of the bullet they couldn't take you, you won't be able to carry heavy equipment and there will be days that it will hurt... a lot."

There is regret in his words. Finkel wants to tell him that it is fine. "I can't go to war either. They're thinking right now what to do with me." He opens his flask and takes a sip. "Nobody wants a cripple." He laughs and gives Finkel a sardonic smile. "I've lost one eye and part of my body is completely scarred as I mention before." He moves the gauze and shows the empty space where an eye should be. "Morons! I'm better than any of them. I'll show you." He promises.

Finkel doesn't know how many days he has been unconscious; he doesn't want to think about it. It is Klenzendorf who makes him realise that he has lost one week of his life and has to explain to him that he lost a lot of blood and that is why he still can't move or feel dizzy when he tries to make sudden moves. He has a minor infection in one of his wounds and receives the visit of important people of the military. He is promoted to sub-official; it is not the first time he is promoted but it is the first time someone makes it sound like a big deal. And they inform him, he is going to go to a city to recover from his wounds before he can receive more orders.

"No more shitty camps for you. Let's take a drink for that." Klenzendorf celebrates. "I have to leave tomorrow." He informs Finkel. "I'll go to my hometown to train kids."

"I don't have orders yet."

"Let's take a walk." He sounds cryptic, so Finkel nods even though he is exhausted. They walk and Finkel notices how they are trying to avoid people. Klenzendorf lights a cigarette when they stop in a place where Finkel can sit thanks to the ruins and there is nobody around. Finkel tries to find a comfortable, at the end he crosses his legs because that is the only posture that feels familiar even if it hurts. "Do you hate Jews?" He asks abruptly.

It could be a tricky question. This could be a test to see how much he loves the Fürher and the third Reich. This could be... a lot of things to catch him and kill him for treason. Nonetheless, Finkel doesn't care. He is tired, his body hurts and he feels numb and it is cold outside. And Klenzendorf doesn't seem like the kind of person who would do anything against him after what they have been doing.

"No." He answers after some seconds. He never hated Jews; he doesn't hate them now. He just does what he is told to do, nothing more. "I do what they want me to do." It is not a excuse for his action but it is the truth. He follows orders to be a good soldier because he wanted to make his father proud. That is all, but he never hated anyone.

"Good. Good." Klenzendorf shows a bright smile. "I'll need help to organize the activities with the children, someone like you." Finkel's teeth chatter because of the cold and Klenzendorf put his jacket over his shoulder. "You're cold all the time, it will be good for you to be in a nice place to take care of your wounds."

Finkel nods incapable of saying anything else. He moves his arm and his hand tries to reach Klenzendorf's clothes. The man sees his movements and takes his hand. He looks around before he kneels in front of him and kisses his hand. His lips are hot against his skin. "You're frozen!" He exclaims. "We should go back."

"No." It sounds like a plea and it is completely unprofessional, but Finkel doesn't mind. He doesn't want to go inside yet. This is nice even if he is freezing. He doesn't want to go back there to be surrounded by people who would kill them if they knew what they are doing. "Two minutes please."

Klenzendorf gives him a peck on the lips and nod. He is going to have his two minutes. The man stands up and Finkel can rest his head on his body while Klenzendorf strokes his hair with his free hand.

"Just two minutes."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic. I'd like to add a second and short chapter about them after this, but I'm not sure if I'll find the inspiration, this has drained me.
> 
> Kudos and comments are welcome!


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